Long Distance Friendships

I think we can all agree that long-distance relationships are difficult. Regardless of the situation and the individual relationships involved, physical separation is not ideal for anyone involved. Although families and couples adjust during the time apart, their reunion is the bright light at the end of the tunnel – whenever it may be. Expectations are much different with long distance friendships and separation may be for an unspecified amount of time.

Each friendship is unique and no experience with long-distance relationship is the same, but with that said, I would like to reflect on three friendships maintained over a long distance and over a long period of time.

Pretzel and I met at the beginning of eighth grade when I was on the ASB’s welcome committee for new students. I mistook his standoffishness for mystery and was determined to make friends with him. The way he tells it, he was trying not to make friends because the grade would be split the next year when we went to high school and also in the case his family had to move (Pretzel’s dad was in the air force). Pretzel and I became good friends and we ended up going to the same high school for a couple years before his family had to move across the country. We kept in touch via text message and Facebook mostly, but one summer we were able to hang out in person! Long story short, I was on a family vacation in the state he lived in and he offered to pick me up and hang out for the rest of the day with my parents’ permission of course. We lost touch for a few years through college, but have since reconnected via Snapchat (of all social medias) and text message.

My friend Punch and I have been friends since high school. We hit a rough patch in our friendship a bit ago, but have reconciled and now our friendship is stronger than ever. Punch moved around the country in the years after high school pursuing undergraduate and now graduate degrees and taking a gap year in between. I make it a point to visit every place he’s moved to partially so I can see him and mostly because he’s lived in some pretty cool places. Through college we studied together virtually, talked into the early hours, and made it a point to see each other when we were both home on breaks. Currently we stay in touch via video calling, telephone, text message, and social media. Punch is currently on the east coast and I on the west, but even with the time difference, geographical distance, and time in between our full conversations it is easy to trust each other with any issue we face, big or small.

Pilot started out being a friend of a friend and he eventually made his way to my inner circle of friends. We met during a bar crawl the weekend before my graduation from nursing school when my best friend invited him to tag along. Initially we kept in touch via Facebook but then transitioned to texting. Over time we moved to having video conversations via Snapchat and called/texted each other often. Pilot knew what it was like to take care of a grandparent and it was comforting to talk with him about the struggles I was facing after having moved back to my hometown to help care for my grandmother. I was overwhelmed with heartache after my grandmother passed and it felt difficult to maintain most of my friendships. I internalized most of my grief which I think Pilot understood. He told our mutual friend that he wanted to give me space and kept in touch infrequently, mostly via Snapchat. At the time it felt a bit like I had been abandoned. The lack of communication as well as having not physically seen each other in over two years weakened our friendship in some ways, but when Pilot reached out to me a couple months ago I took the opportunity to reconnect.

Perhaps my long-distance friendships have survived thus far because of the individual friendship dynamic? Pretzel and I tend to be introverted and although our interests differ, we enjoy learning from each other. I wonder if it is because Punch and I are both independent, because of our similar careers, or simply because of the longevity of our friendship that make it easy to continue being friends. My friendship with Pilot is the newest comparatively to the others, but is it the depth of trust having shared in similar experiences that keeps the friendship going?

There is no doubt technology has played a role in the development and sustainment of the friendships, but what else? What makes an acquaintance that lives far away a long-distance friend? Whatever the case, I am grateful to have the aforementioned friends in my life and look forward to talking with each of them soon.

Social Distancing

The last few days I have had multiple discussions regarding social distancing – its definition, importance, and ramifications – and why it seems so hard to do. I chose to social distance almost two weeks ago and I will explain my rationale in a bit.

Social distancing is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the practice of maintaining a greater than usual physical distance from other people or of avoiding direct contact with people or objects in public places during the outbreak of a contagious disease in order to minimize exposure and reduce the transmission of infection.” I remember discussing epidemiology in nursing school, but I could not say that the term “social distancing” stuck with me. Now it seems like it will probably be this year’s buzz phrase.

Line for employee screening a half hour before my shift

Humans have it within our nature to congregate. The idea of social distancing directly contradicts this natural tendency. Physical presence is how one learns to connect with others, regardless of how physically intimate (i.e. huggers, greeting with a kiss) one may be. Social distancing requires physical distance and avoidance of direct contact which affects how we have learned to connect on a basic level with others.

As technology has advanced however, humanity has adapted to developing connections through artificial interfaces. For example, instant messaging, text messaging, phone calls, and video calling are all ways to “keep in touch” and maintain the connections we have formed. Some have embraced technology in maintaining relationships more than others. I, for one, have never used video calling as much as I have in the last two weeks while my cousin, who is approximately the same age, used it daily prior to social distancing.

While it is absolutely essential to maintain healthy relationships with others for our mental health, the way we do so does affect our physical health. Social distancing is a practice specifically for use during an epidemic or in this case, pandemic. By physical removing or distancing ourselves from others it reduces the potential exposure to and transmission of disease. It is essential in stopping the spread of disease. By relying on technology to maintain relationships, we are able to retain our mental and physical health.

There are and will continue to be many ramifications to social distancing. To start, we are expecting those that are unfamiliar with or not used to using technology to communicate to rapidly adapt and do so. It is affecting local businesses and the greater economy and education due to closure of schools. Social distancing also can affect us physically. With school closures, many kids will have difficulty obtaining the meals that were provided to them there. Numerous gyms and public parks are closed and undoubtably many will forgo the outdoors and physical exercise in general for “Netflix and chill.”

FaceTime with my sister and niece. I’m still not sure whether I should make eye contact with the camera or the screen!

As of almost two weeks ago, I have purposely stopped visiting my family and friends and going to the grocery store, gym, and other public places with large groups of people. My rationale for social distancing is thus: I want to protect my loved ones and stop the spread of the disease as best as I can. Simply put, I am reducing the transmission by halting contact with others if I have been exposed. I work in a hospital with current cases of patients with COVID-19 and in the case that it is transmitted amongst hospital workers I will not transmit it to anyone in the broader community. More specifically, I work in neonatal intensive care (NICU), meaning I have an obligation to my immunocompromised patients to protect them from all infections.

I am removed from the frontlines being in the NICU, but knowing that our current situation will likely worsen before it betters and that we have inadequate stores of personal protective equipment, I might be called upon to step closer and assist more directly in the care of patients with COVID-19. I cannot for my family, friends, coworkers, and my sake get sick. There are too many people and patients I still need to care for and as uncomfortable as it can be at times, I know it will be worth it in the long term.

Catching Up and Moving Forward

The thought occurred to me the other day that I should use some pent-up energy and “downtime” during this pandemic to return to writing. That being said, I think I need to start with a little catch-up considering my last post was over two years ago.

Two days after my last post about being sick and calling out, my grandmother died. My grief was overwhelming and I am honestly still to this day working through it. My grandma was a huge part of my life and with her passing, our family dynamic shifted.

A few months later our family received some good news at the announcement of my sister’s pregnancy – the first baby of the family in almost a decade and the first great-granddaughter for my grandfather! My sister prematurely delivered a beautiful baby girl at the end of 2018 and my niece brought with her a vivacity to our family that had been missing for a while.

During this time my grandfather finally decided to undergo knee replacement surgery because he wanted to be able to walk with his great-granddaughter.

Unfortunately, 2019 did not start off as well as one would have hoped. My father suffered from a heart attack a few weeks into the new year and a couple weeks after that my grandfather had his surgery but soon developed complications.

Although he was never able to walk with his great-granddaughter, I will always be grateful my grandfather spent some quality time with her before he passed.

Losing my grandfather was another huge blow to our family and made me feel like I was suspended in time. The opportunity came to switch from nightshift to dayshift and I took it thinking perhaps that was the kind of change I needed in my life to keep me moving forward.

Meanwhile my niece grew and began crawling, standing, walking, and verbalizing. I am now the proud aunt of a fiesty one year old!

A recent photo of my niece and I with a Snapchat filter which we subsequently sent to my sister at work.

It is almost needless to say, but I will anyway – life moves on. It is up to us as individuals find our way to move forward. And that is exactly what I am trying to do.

Starting the New Year Off (Not So) Well

The new year has begun! After an eventful New Years Eve spent in Seattle, I spent the first day of the new year visiting with family. I was in good spirits all day and looked forward to going to work the following night. Unfortunately, the next morning I fell ill with a cold and called out from work.

Normally I would think twice about calling out sick. There have been many a time when units are, shall we say, inadequately staffed due to illness. Being a new member to a unit also might make one second-guess calling out, based on what the unit culture is like.

The unit I work for currently is pretty straightforward as to its expectations in calling out, especially in unit culture. Our patient population in the NICU is primarily premature infants and immunocompromised newborns. It is needless to say, any unnecessary introduction to illness is unacceptable.

Therefore, when I called out earlier, I had no qualms about doing so. It was ultimately for the benefit of my health and the health of the patients I could have interacted with in the NICU. Despite knowing this, I will say I do miss my coworkers and working with the patients. It seems as though it has been ages since I last worked!

This is how I’ve chosen to spend my night – a nice cup of tea, a good book, and relaxing movie playing in the background.

Fueling the Fire

Several months ago I admitted to feeling entirely burnt out with my job. Now I am proud to say that I have rekindled my passion – by transferring units!

The transition has not gone as smoothly as I thought, but in some ways it has gone better than I had hoped. There were some complications with scheduling and communication, but I have finally integrated entirely into the NICU. The other nurses were very welcoming and genuinely seem excited that I have joined the team. As apprehensive as I am to prove my worth, I am enjoying every minute of working with such compassionate people.

Interspersed with time on the floor are classes called “Didactic” which is defined as … Basically it is like nursing school that focuses specifically on neonates. Knowing the theory behind our practice is integral. As many nurses know, policies and standards of practice are based on evidence-based research that denotes the best practices. Needless to say, I am asking many questions and “poking” peoples’ brain often.

Focusing on one patient population has allowed me to further develop my critical thinking skills, but to be quite frank, working more closely with such a vulnerable population is the most fulfilling part of my new job. The resilience of neonates is incredibly inspirational!

Have you ever made a change in your work life that has made a major difference in your personal life? Let me know in the comments!

Respite Care (Sort Of)

Lately my daily life includes caring for my grandmother at my grandparent’s house. (I will discuss my reasons for doing so in a later blogpost.) My days off from work start with getting my grandmother dressed for the day and fed her breakfast and medications with my mother. After that, the day depends on if my grandparents or mother need me to do anything. Only then do I allow myself to do what I planned to do for the day.

Paused on my afternoon run.

This week, my parents and siblings have gone on vacation and my aunts have generously taken off work and taken on the responsibilities of caring for my grandmother – all day. Of course they are not primarily doing it to relieve my mother and I, but I cannot help but feel grateful for them because they have. My mother can fully enjoy her vacation and I have the opportunity to do things I wouldn’t normally do on my days off.

 

Simple things such as deep-cleaning my apartment, cooking for myself, and going for a run along the water are things that I would not normally allow myself much time to do. It also makes a difference in my sleep pattern. It can be extremely frustrating when my brain will not allow me to sleep at night, the pressure of knowing  I need to be up at a certain time in the morning to be at my grandparents’ house building with every passing hour. While my aunts are caring for my grandmother, I have slept in and still accomplished many things on my to-do list without the stress of a time limit.

Respite care is defined as temporary care of a dependent elderly, ill, or disabled person, providing relief for their usual caregivers. In our case, my aunts provide care for my grandmother already, but not in the mornings like my mother and I do. They are, in my opinion however, providing us with respite care and that is why I am grateful.

Taking Care of Family

To begin, my grandmother means the world to me. Now that her health is declining, I am trying to balance between a being a nurse and a granddaughter. My nurse brain will not shut off and sometimes I find myself thinking, saying, and doing things that I would normally not.
Sometimes I come off as being overbearing, disrespectful, and obnoxious to the rest of the family members caring for her. I have no idea what to say, do, or think anymore as I worry about overstepping my boundaries and wanting to participate in her care.

Frustration abounds and the stress is tying me up in knots. My mind constantly wrestles with my knowledge of the human body and the memories that I share with my grandmother and my perspective is blurred.

On top of my own struggles, I am trying to help inform and educate my family through this process. My extended family frequently check in, wanting to be updated, and visit when possible. I want to support my family, but some days I falter. Needless to say, taking care of family members is complex, especially when the objective is holistic care.

Has anyone else gone through an experience similar to this?

 

 

Nursing Burnout

The warning signs were there – I felt tired more than usual, did not want to go to work, had no motivation to do additional work, nor did I enjoy the work I did do. My mind was constantly elsewhere, flitting from one subject to another, forgetting patient’s names and history. I had been picking up shifts, rarely sleeping more than six hours a night, eating infrequently, and working out less so. Consequently, the quality of my work suffered considerably and I felt miserable.

Pacifying myself with self-indulgent behaviors, I gained weight, spent less time with my family, and watched more movies and shows. The feelings of restlessness and misery would dissipate, I thought. Around the same time, my grandmother’s health declined sharply and she ended up in the hospital. Spending so much time in the hospital atmosphere was draining, but having family there was nerve-wracking in the most literal sense. I was grateful for my “nurse mindset”which allowed me to take each day at a time and prioritize my grandma’s health goals instead of becoming completely overwhelmed and breaking down.

Helping care for my grandma was a metaphorical reset button. Although I was still consistently thinking about my grandma, I returned to work with a renewed sense of purpose and vigor. Initially I discredited the experience as a mere “rough patch” at the beginning of a burgeoning nursing career. However now I wonder if I was feeling “burnt out” as all nursing students are taught may happen over the course of our nursing career.

Has this ever happened to you? What kinds of thoughts/feelings did you experience? What did you do to recover yourself?

 

NOC Shift Part I: Flipping

Flipping (verb, colloquialism): the act of adjusting the body’s circadian rhythm to being awake and functioning adequately at all hours of the night (A.K.A. the bane of my existence). There are many websites that offer tips and tricks and various techniques to flipping.

Up until last year, I had never done a night shift so I never had any reason to flip. Not to mention, I am an early bird – meaning that my body functions much better in the early morning than it does in the evening/night – and never wanted to stay up through the early morning hours. It was partially out of desperation to practice and partially out of confidence in my versatility that I accepted a night shift position as my first nursing position.

Research revealed that it would be beneficial to sleep the day of the night shift, but in all likelihood I would still have to drink plenty of coffee to help me stay awake the rest of the evening. Fortunately, I enjoy coffee and naps so I did not consider either to be problematic to my adjustment. The websites I searched did not discuss any tips or tricks in detail and I found the vagueness of the articles to be calming, implying that flipping was a rather simple process.

In all honesty, what I have learned over the past few months is more valuable than the research I came across. Every person is unique and bodies react differently to flipping. For instance, several of my dayshift colleagues started on night shift but became too ill to continue. Thankfully my body can handle night shift, but I have found I need to prepare myself mentally every shift. What is effective for one may not be effective for another, but I thought I would share how I flip.

First and foremost, I hydrate both with coffee and with water the day prior to my shift. I nap if I can during the afternoon, but I keep myself busy physically and mentally in the evening by exercising and reading. Oftentimes I will “meal prep” or prepare meals for the upcoming shifts and/or week and wash dishes, dust, and other quiet chores. Staying awake until 7am or 8am is always my goal, but I try to at least stay awake until 5am ensuring at least 8 hours of (hopefully) uninterrupted sleep. My alarm is always set for 4pm, in order to wake up slowly, eat breakfast, read, and iron my scrubs if I need to. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I flip – it is not incredibly complicated, but it did take some trial and error to develop what works best for me.

How do you flip? Do you have any advice for anyone new to nightshift?

Breaking Up With a Friend

It has taken a while to write this, primarily because I wrote it to be a facetious challenge and never expected it to become a reality.

There is a saying many may know about the span of friendships – some friends are for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime. I am lucky to have made several friends for seasons and a few for a lifetime. The joy, adventure, and love each friendship brings to my life is invaluable and their presence is a constant wonder. Two friends of mine emphasize the complexity of friendship; I have broken up with both of them, but with different outcomes.

Punch and I have been friends since high school when I needed encouragement to be outgoing and adventurous. It was nice to have a friend with which I could release all my worries, if only for a while. Over the years, I observed Punch’s carefree nature manifest more as lack of consideration than lack of concern. Punch was asking more and more of me in little ways. Showing up late, forgetting simple information, changing plans and asking for help last-minute were all normal behavior for Punch. I edited Punch’s essays and reviewed applications, reminded Punch about car keys and phone chargers, encouraged healthy behavior and listened to complaints constantly. The amount of worry and responsibility I took on for my friend detracted from my ability to enjoy Punch’s presence. We had had several discussions and arguments before the Break about both of our concerns and what friends were supposed to do. The conversations usually ended with me crying, frustrated, and Punch quietly saying we would talk more later.As one might imagine, I grew tired of our friendship and made the decision to give myself a break.

The Point before the Break came in nursing school when I was at my most vulnerable. I remember coming back to campus after clinical and seeing a message from Punch about reviewing a paper last-minute. I called and our conversation quickly devolved into an argument. After a minute of silence, I finally asked Punch to have some time to my self. That night I cried, thinking that was the end of our friendship.

Mansfield and I have also been friends since high school, in part because of mutual friends and in part because of our awesome taste in movies. A tragedy in Mansfield’s family drove a slight wedge between us which grew bigger and bigger. Years passed and I grew accustomed to my friend’s absence, occasionally wondering how Mansfield was fairing. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Mansfield messaged me hoping to reconnect. Although it seemed like a genuine offer of friendship,  I cautiously agreed, wondering if Mansfield wanted anything specific from me. Lately friends had wanted to reconnect to learn more about my sister, especially because she was engaged to be married to her high school sweetheart. It was only later when Mansfield asked for my sister’s intercession to help with a career change that I second-guessed Mansfield’s intentions. Neither I nor Mansfield attempted to communicate with each other for months. Although this Break was unintended, it allowed me to focus on my sister and our family when they needed my presence most.

The Punch Break lasted half a year. During this time, several life experiences in addition to natural maturation changed Punch. I cannot speak for Punch, but I appreciate our friendship much more after the Break. As for Mansfield, I have yet to receive a response to my apologies and entreaties to meet. I hope one day we may and I may regain some trust in my friend and my friend in me. Unfortunately I know trust is similar to friendship in that it is easily shattered and hard to rebuild.